rossnation... defines and defies the universe

Who among the faithful is acquainted with the PBS show "NOVA"?  As a youngun' (not to be confused with a young gun) whose only real television choice was PBS, Nova seemed to have all the answers.  That was probably because of the flashy 80's graphics and the fact that it was on at night.  Turns out the best program on PBS was actually Square One TV, with Mathnet and it's incredibly realistic portrayal of the LAPD (they carried calculators in their shoulder holsters.)  Now that I'm older I see these things clearer, and realize that the world needs a new NOVA, and that's where rossnation... comes in.  So to the adoring public, we present the following theories:

• Black Holes -- Traditional science would have you believe that a black hole is an area of mass so dense that nothing can escape from it.  What Stephen Hawking won't tell you, though, is the truth: black holes are formed from enormous amounts of cheese.  I know, it makes so much sense now, right?  Think about how weird cheese is, and it's clear that we didn't invent it; cosmic intervention is the only possible explanation.  But don't get me started on how this cheese is harvested.  Let's just say there's a reason Tillamook can charge 13 dollars for a block of cheddar...*
• Antimatter -- This will blow your minds, both individually and collectively.  (Yes, rossnation... is a hive mind.  You know, like the Borg.)  Antimatter is the opposite of matter, supposedly.  But I find this too simplistic.  I think antimatter is nothing more than energy, and has a single purpose: it is the source of all rossnation... ideas.  I'd write an entire essay on this, but it's about as likely to be published as a children's book written by Michael Vick.
• The Bermuda Triangle -- This is nothing more than a joke that got out of hand.  I surmise that it was probably someone making fun of Bermudian's math skills (which are notoriously suspect, but they're good people), but was warped into the current conspiracy theories as a way to explain why so many people seemed to go to the Caribbean and never come back.  The real reason they were never heard from again is that it's warm there.
• Justin Bieber's Popularity -- Forget it, even I don't have an explanation...
• The Extinction of Dinosaurs -- My head tells me that the dinosaurs were obliterated by the climate change caused by a giant meteorite striking the earth.  If I'm not mistaken, this is also the plot line of The Land Before Time, so I may just be flashing on that movie.  What my heart tells me is slightly less believable: that the dinosaurs were actually hunted out of existence by - wait for it - Winston Churchill.  I can't really figure why he held so much animosity toward the dinosaurs, but I imagine it has something to do with not enough hugs as a child.

So there you have it, there's some definitions.  Have questions of your own that can't be answered with traditional science?  I'll accept submissions, and you can help us defy the universe.

rossnation... out.

*  According to Fish Master Matt Abrahamse, "All dairy products are better when reduced to a singularity."  I concur.  Also, is it a sign of the times that you can buy cheese on amazon.com?