Return of the Mack (I'm the Mack, btw)

I used to be wicked skinny.  Actually, scrawny might be a more appropriate word.  Consider this: in high school I could do pushups for days, because there was hardly anything to push up.  I have since "grown up."  (Or out, if you will, and I imagine you will, because rossnation... requires it.)

And all this was before I discovered the world's greatest weight loss program.  Please understand, I did not invent this program.  There is nothing new under the sun*, as the saying goes.  But I'm here to tell you that there is no better way to shed 20 ell bees, and it doesn't involve liposuction, treadmills/ellipticals, gym memberships, Dexatrim, or eating disorders.  All you need is 10 weeks in the world's hottest and least forgiving climate, and the will to survive.  In 1998, I had the former, and God gave me the latter.

Please let me clarify a few things for you.  To begin with, the rossnation... weight loss experience (rWLE) is neither easy nor cheap.  It will cost a fortune, actually, but is well worth it.  First, you need a plane ticket; Salt Lake City to Dallas, Dallas to Miami, Miami to Chicago, Chicago to Frankfurt, Frankfurt to Bombay, Bombay to New Delhi, New Delhi to Calcutta.  (This is the preferred route, but it can be adjusted; I've heard tale of flights that don't originate in SLC.)

Next, you need to take this trip in the summer.  The rWLE isn't nearly as effective when it's snowing in Canada.  I got off the plane in India in the dead of night, and it was over 100 degrees.  And as humid as Houston in August (and Mom and Dad wonder why I only visit at Christmas).  I've never experienced something comparable to it, and there's no need for a metaphor.  All I need say is that is was so hot/humid that I would be drenched in sweat immediately after getting out of the shower.  I was probably dry for a total of three hours that summer.  But now, rossnation... chooses not to sweat.

Step three is not a sure thing, but certainly a good bet.  Any guesses?  If you said giardia, you get a cookie.  (You'll have to buy the cookie yourself though; I ate all of my cookies.)  I'll never know exactly how I got my little friend, or my Dark Passenger, as I like to call it.  I was careful not to drink the water, but it turns out that protozoa don't care how cautious we are.  I'm actually pretty sure that protozoa don't have souls, but I'm researching it thoroughly, as I do with everything I write here.  At any rate, giardia makes for one helluva companion.  (We've been together 12 years now, and she keeps getting on me about forgetting anniversaries and writing thank you notes.)  I'm betting that any kind of stomach ailment will do just fine for your own rWLE.  Just as long as you're sick, that is the key.

If you're a huge fan of Indian food, the rWLE is probably not for you.  I wouldn't try to lose weight by living next to an In n' Out Burger.  But seeing how I don't especially care for curry and rice, I wasn't tempted to binge.  In fact, all I could really bring myself to eat was soup (aside, soup isn't really an Indian culinary specialty.)  Though I'm fairly certain that I may have eaten dog while I was there; no proof, but I've not eaten anything like it to this day.

The last step is the easiest.  You walk everywhere.  FYI, you can do this part at home, it's just not nearly as effective.  (Do you like how I just told you that exercise is possible in the US?  I thought so.  I DO WHAT I WANT!)  5 to 10 miles a day will do the trick.  

So, would you like to lose 20 pounds, even if you don't have it to spare?  Combine one part extreme heat with one dash of Mahatma's Revenge, stir in a dollop of undereating and a gallon of exercise daily.  (I think a food analogy is appropriate.)  You too can go from a trim 150 to a sparse 130.  This program is endorsed by Skeletor, and the funny looking kid in the picture.  Anyone else think it's ironic that the Indian street kid is fatter than me?

rossnation... out.

*Or so the Germans would have us believe.