So, it turns out that I’m a superhero.
Look, I’m as shocked as you are. But before we all get carried away here (you know, expecting me to start fighting crime and responding to bat-signals) allow me to temper your excitement, because I’m not a “traditional” superhero. They’re probably not going to make a movie about me. I have no superpowers, per se (except the power of the written word, which doesn’t get the ladies all a-flutter.) Chances are fair to middlin’ that I will not be on a lunchbox anytime soon. Which is fine, because I don’t think they make those anymore. Anyway, I’m more Clark Gable than Clark Kent. Oh, why kid ourselves, probably more Clark Griswold.
I guess what I’m saying is that I only have one superhero trait, but every superhero has it. I have a nemesis. This is not to be confused with an arch enemy, or the Swedish metal band Arch Enemy. My nemesis is my worst enemy, my most hated rival. Evil and perfect in all the ways I’m not; my exact opposite, especially when you consider that my nemesis is not a person. It’s a utility pole. (Yeah, a telephone pole, how’s that for a let down!)
Bear with me, unless you already checked out with that last sentence, and I can’t say I blame you. But good things come to those who wait, or so the Heinz company would have us believe. (Personally, I think that ad campaign was only necessary because they couldn’t figure out plastic bottles, and that’s just lazy.) That said, at least ketchup has a worthy adversary. My nemesis is so... incredibly lame, but this particular piece of dead tree just has it in for me, and I’m not really winning the war.
I’ll set the stage for you. On the hill behind our office, there is a street that progress has forgotten, and the utilities for the houses are still hung from an old, decrepit utility pole in one of the backyards. If this utility pole were a person? Betty White. Still hanging in there, but no one really wants to put a ladder up there, ya’ feel me? So for the sake of simplicity, we’re gonna call this telephone pole Betty. Betty stands in the backyard of 230 ---- St, at the top of a hill that is actually three tiers, 30 or 40 feet above the street. Betty is at the junction of two fences, so to climb with gaffs you have to stand on top of the fence and start there. Carrying a 60 pound extension ladder up the hill is the other method of getting there; also not fun. In the summer, I imagine it wouldn’t be that difficult or annoying of an assignment. The problem is, I’ve never had to work on Betty in the summer.
I’ve worked at Time Warner for almost four years, and I’ve only had to access Betty during the winter, only in the dark, and only with snow on the ground. And not once, every winter. I’ve had to activate 234 twice, and disconnect it twice. Two houses over, 242, also gets cable from Betty. 242 is occupied by Moscow’s finest college boys, who I think probably like to zip line on the cable when they’re drunk. Plus the cable hangs under about 100 feet of tree branches which have a tendency to fall on the cable during the winter storms. Long story short(er), that cable comes down every winter, and I always seem to get the job of hanging it back up. Please don’t take this as complaining: I always have help, and I get paid a healthy wage and free cable to do it. But it’s exhausting, and cold, and annoying to have to do it over and over again.
And I’m starting to resent Betty and her offensive cables. She may be the most difficult pole in Moscow to get to, and she is conspiring to keep me coming back. About ten times, so far. She is trying to break me, like Lex Luther (in this analogy, I’m Superman; pretty sweet what you can do when you’re the one typing.)
So maybe I’m not a superhero. Maybe I’m reading too much into this. But I will tell you this for certain: Superman would make a hell of a cable guy...
cable guy!!! out.
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