Classy Action Suite

I pose to my loyal readers, a question that has not been posited, ever. Why, in this age of liability and free money, have sufferers of gout never sued Hickory Farms?
Go ahead, digest that statement. It should only take a few minutes, as opposed to digesting a log of their summer sausage.
I ask, because as I was being diagnosed with gout at the QuikCare today, I asked my doctor the cause of this affliction. The scientific explanation is excessive levels of uric acid in the body, which form crystals in your joints, starting, of course, at 4:20...these crystals are causing the pain in the joint between my big toe and my foot. So where does the uric acid come from?
- Excessive amounts of alcohol. Not this guy
- Sweetbreads. Not bread that is sweet, but the throat, heart, liver, etc. of cattle. Definitely not this guy.
- Cheese. OK, but I'm not eating a block of colby jack everyday. Cheese costs more than gas.
-Summer sausage. Only in the fall, and at Christmas. I'm still trying to figure that out.
So back to the original question. Shouldn't I, as a gout sufferer, be filing a class action suit against Hickory Farms? After all, this is the company that every year puts a kiosk in your local mall with the express purpose of selling you boxes packed exclusively with summer sausages, "cheeses" of all kinds, and occasionally wine. And crackers, but Doc Henry did not seem concerned about crackers. But at any rate, they might as well call these gift packs, "The Gift of Gout." I know why they don't; sales would probably drop significantly. But somehow I think we're being cheated a little. Those boxes of junk look so inviting, and we buy them to give to friends and family, and eat on Christmas Eve, without concern for the painful toes in the morning.
Alas, I smell a National Lampoon to come out of this hilarity any time now, and I'll no doubt see nary a dime for this lightbulb of invention.

rossnation...out, but slowly, and favoring the right side of his left foot, as he heads to the fridge for a Philly liver steak sandwich.