Random Musings

First, I can't ignore the elephant in my apartment anymore, cause he's trashing the place. It's too damn hot for elephants to just be roamin' around. They should be at the zoo. This elephant's name is Splice, a disturbingly great movie in so many ways.

First of all, yeah, I went and saw Splice on opening night. I request forgiveness for this, seeing as how it was a in the company of a fine lady who also thoroughly enjoyed the film. But I also don't feel I need to offer excuses, cause I'm a grown-ass man (Giuseppi) and am entitled to see whatever flims I choose, regardless of what Roger Ebert thinks. I'm just assuming that Ebert didn't care for it; this flim is not exactly Shawshank.

And as much as I expected to walk into this movie and see a 90 minute glowing turd straight out of the Hollywood turd machine (I think this is located next to the Backdraft ride at Universal), that is exactly what I saw. But it had so many redeeming qualities that I have to say I loved it. First off, classy is right out the window. Can't assign that term to a movie in which both the male and female leads have sex with a half animal/half human splice being, after it transforms from a female to a male. (Honestly, I don't know how this script got approved, or got an Oscar winner to sign on.)

Second, the CGI splicething, Dren, is horribly done. She always looks like a person in a cgi costume, which is a weird effect, and unsettling. That said, it still seems to be the perfect effect for this movie; juuuussssttt a little bit off.

Third, the entire experiment that leads to the end disaster takes place over approximately 3 days, or so it seems, and the whole time the rest of the lab team apparently has no idea that the two leads are creating a supermonster in the other room.

Fourth, the two hero scientists, the brightest of their generation, drive what I believe is a late 70's Dodge Colt. Wait, what?

And last, the sequel(s) are coming, bet the family jewels on it. Or something else valuable. This is the safest investment since LeBron. Meaning, it'll make you money, you just won't win any awards.

My favorite possible titles for the sequels:
1)Splice Twice
2)Splice 2: Spawn of Dren
3)Splice Thrice
4)Splice of Pie
5)I'd be happy to hear more from our readers.

All told, I will watch this movie again, if for no other reason than to see the moment when the "heroine" runs headlong into a treebranch and knocks herself cold, at which point I let out a hearty guffaw that rings through the theatre. Great moment.

May the Splice be with you.